Sunday, January 13, 2013

Childless people need to STFU

I was invited to the Childless People board at Pinterest, and I accepted the invitation. While I was looking at the pins, I read this: "Dear Smug Mommy Blogger, You're The Reason That People Hate Parents."
Oh? What is she talking about?

This is what she's talking about:
"Dear Know-It-All-People-Without-Kids, Shut the Fuck Up"
(Of course she didn't have the guts to say "fuck", she said "percent-dollar-number-at", but I'm also 100% sure of that she doesn't say "percent-dollar-number-at" when she swears.)

This is what I have to say about that.

Dear "mommyfriend",

people who start defining themselves through other people are suffering from a mental disorder called codependency. You need to grow up and start taking responsibility of your own life, and stop manipulating people. You are not primarily a mother and a wife - stay-at-home-mother and house-wife at that - you are primarily you. Your children are not your children. They are individual human beings who just happened to enter the world through you and their father. Having this honor bestowed upon you by God doesn't make you "parenting guru" or competent to give advice on marriage. I'd listen to any childless pediatrician about children's health rather than any mother. I'd listen to an unmarried marriage counselor rather than some woman whose credentials in the subject is "I've been married to 10 years".
And as Lindsay says, some unmarried and childless people give better advice than most married people with children. Because it is as you say, all the children are different. All the people are different and all the marriages are different. But all the children and marriages also have similarities.

I can tell you that you cannot say how parents feel when childless people give parenting advice. You can only talk about how you feel. And as you say "this slideshow is about nine years in making", you started collecting aversions already when your experience about parenting was none what so ever. You pushed the baby through your vulva, so you're an expert in child rearing... >:-> Just the same way as you married and suddenly was a marriage expert. It's rude to offer advice unless asked, you say, but that doesn't stop you from writing your advice on several sites on the internet, even though the majority of the internet readers haven't asked for it. It's also rude to call people names. " a smug such as yourself". But I suppose you are just rude. It doesn't help to sugarcover it with "please" and "all due respect", especially when we both know you don't think "smugs such as childless people" due any respect at all.

I'm glad you don't have daughters. I feel sorry for your future daughters-in-law. Women are not born with knowledge on how to take care of children, and we don't get it magically the day we find out we are pregnant, or any day after that, not on the day we give birth to our child, nor later. We learn the knowledge, skill, art of rearing children, and the ability to learn is not connected to our genitals. There are thousands of childless nannies, who are better at the job than any mother. The simple fact that they are not emotionally bonded to the child already gives them an edge. I mean, it's YOUR CHILD. You are bound to make irrational decisions based on your emotions. Nothing wrong with that, it just makes you less capable of deeming the situation correctly, and it makes every childless person better at it.

It's interesting that you call your husband "big daddy" and your son "boy wonder" (and his little brother is boo-boo? Hm.) and you - "mommyfriend". I bet you don't even notice how important it is in your family to keep up the appearance that a male is "big" and "superhero", and a female is "friendly". Big momma, as we all know, refers to her body size, and is not something people would like to hear of themselves. But I suppose, you can't easily call yourself a wonder woman, because... you don't really do anything. You married and got kids, and that's it. Now, of course you are "a secretary, a housekeeper, a gardener, an organizer, an accountant, etc." but not really. Let's fool anyone here. Most SAHMs are not good enough to actually get paid by strangers for any of that stuff, and that's kind of the requirement to be able to use that occupational title of oneself. It's not that I'm putting down the "career" of SAHMs, but - let's be honest. You are just a mother and a wife. 

"I don't expect you to understand why consistency is a nice idea in theory. I'm a parent who has been beaten into submission by my children and I'm a better, more practical, more clever and more awesome mother and person for it."
No, you're not. You are an idiot who thinks children are somehow different from every other human being, and your children are especially special. Raising children is very much like training dogs, cats or any other animal. Every animal trainer could tell you that consistency is not "a nice idea in theory". So could every professional nanny and teacher. You are just trying to justify your failure in being consistent and having enough self-confidence to actually be a parent, and not just some emotional beating bag. You are not better, more practical, more clever nor more awesome mother or person for it. You have just given up trying to follow the ideas you had before you got kids, because you don't really understand how that is done, and you lack patience and understanding of how you yourself function to be able to be consistent and give your children a parent they could trust. Luckily children are intelligent and resilient beings who will survive any emotional abuse you throw at them. You are doing just as well as most other mothers, and luckily for you, you won't need to deal with your children's problems. It will be their teachers, their spouses, their therapists, their co-workers and everyone else, but you.

And you don't know anything about how tired other people are and why. I have fibromyalgia and sleep apnea. It means that I am tired almost all the time, because I'm in great pain 90% of the time, and I can't sleep much. You wanted your kids. If you want to sleep, send them to have a sleep-over at their friends or grand-parents, or have a weekend off and sleep the whole weekend in a hotel somewhere - or at your friend's or parents', and stop whining. You're not even a single mother! 

So, I'd love to tell you how well you are doing as a mother and how great your kids are, but I would be lying, now, wouldn't I, and that's not ok. And I might have the inclination of offering a word of support or encouragement, but you haven't asked for it, and it's rude to talk to strangers, and stupid to even bother about people who yelled at you at your first meeting, and called you names and wished you "difficult children" (Frankly, to me that's a blessing, I'd take ANY children, and frankly, I'd be happy to have "difficult" children, just to be able to show you and other idiots how it's done. I'd be able to show how it's done with your children. Give them to me for a week, and you'll apologize, and come to smugs like me for advice in the future. You see, you don't know what other people have in their heads, and perhaps they actually do have a point, and sound advice, and something helpful to say, which you will miss, because you are so fucking full of yourself, "better, more practical, more clever and more awesome mother and person". And I'm glad for that. Serves you right. The problem here is that it's we who need to tolerate your children when they act out in public, and as they do, you obviously are doing something wrong. Kids don't "act out" without a reason, you know. Adults don't "act out" without a reason either. And when it comes to children, YOU are most likely the reason they "act out" in public. YOU did something wrong, or didn't do something right at home. YOU should know if your children are too tired or hungry or sick or upset or bothered by something to go shopping or in a restaurant. YOU should have taken care of that problem already at home. So, yes, if your children "act out" in public, it IS YOUR FAULT, and I have the right to tell you and ask you to remedy the problem without you having the right to start bitching about it.

SO, yes, YOU are the reason why childless people offer you parenting advice, and YOU are the reason why childless people hate mothers. Work with your self-esteem and grow up and have a life. Stop hiding behind "I'm a mother and wife, I have done my duty to the society" shield.

I especially love these comments:
"Don’t worry. I have no interest in telling you how to raise your children. Life will do that eventually. Just teach your children not to touch things that are not theirs (including produce at the grocery store or other people’s dogs – my God, some parents have no sense!), take them out of the restaurant when they have a screaming tantrum, do not drag them to R-rated films or to child-unfriendly businesses, especially past their bedtime, and don’t cajole them to bother me in public when I am minding my own business (this is called “babystalking”) – and you and I should be cool."

"Awww I don’t believe that many childfree people are bothering you with unsolicited advice. Childfree people usually try to stay far from children and their accompanying, simpleton mommies. 
That’s my thing with mothers, not so much the fathers, is that you constantly think that someone gives a shit about your common kid. 
You do, I presume the grandparents do. 
But as for the rest of us, forget it."

" Of course the childless have something that none of you have; The very good sense not to breed in a world overflowing with humans.
Most of us don’t care about your kid, or your self-imposed “problems”. You had it, so you raise it. The only advice we want to give you is “get your tubes tied!”
Just don’t block the supermarket isles, sidewalks or doorways while you are doing so, or nearly cause car accidents messing with your spawn, or let your brat(s) scream, fuss, and/or run wild wherever they are, or expect us to cheerfully foot the bill for your tax credits and ever-rising school costs."

And what about that? What about YOU seeing what we do RIGHT in stead of what we do wrong? What about thanking us for paying for your child's healthcare and education? (I don't know how much of this is applicable in where ever you live, but here in Sweden we even pay for your public transportation, and the buss is ALWAYS full of selfish idiots blocking the way with their buggies and whining about how horrible all the other travelers and busdriver is for not giving them more space and help and benefits and shit. Oh, I hate those people.
And even though I don't have children of my own, I have answered for others' children, both as a nanny and as a preschool teacher, and I have never needed to deal with a kid "acting out". I have never had any reason to punish any of them, because it really is enough to see that they don't need to be hungry, tired or angry, that they are seen and heard, listened to and treated like the intelligent persons they are. When explained beforehand what is expected of them, why and how they will be able to deliver, and explained later if something went wrong, why it went wrong and how they can deal with that, they will behave well. And, yes, being consequent is elementary.