Friday, September 7, 2007
Sin in blogging?
In a Xian blogging society (As the Lord Works, Heart of Wisdom, J Boys' Mommy) the ladies are a bit worried about letting internet and blogging to become an idol - replacement of the True God. I find the idea a bit far fetched - as to me internet is just one way of Goddess to communicate with me, one way of likeminded people to get in touch with me, a community - just as well these ladies could be asking if they have let their community service and church work to become an idol in their lives... Sure, it could happen, but I doubt any of them is worried about that ;-)
Sure, if I tell people that I can't meet them, because "I HAVE to write my blog" or because the virtual reality of internet has become more important and "real" than the "real" life - then I could start rearranging my priorities. And that is exactly what these ladies are talking about.
I am internet addict. I feel slightly lost without the connection, I feel somewhat absentminded, longing to get back to my computer, I prefer the time by the computer to the time by a good book or good friends - some times at least.
So - why do I blog, what am I doing in the internet?
I don't think anything I say is going to reveal hidden secrets and truths to anyone. I know it does, but I don't say it for that reason. I say it because I want to. I want to put my ideas and thoughts into words and "out there". It's not that I want to be heard, I don't care if anyone reads my blog or not. To my surprise people do read my blog and some even comment, which makes me happy (most of the time). The truth is that I want to write... if there were no other people on-line, I'd be writing anyway... I like the blogging possibilities, ability to illustrate my journal/diary, the ability to link - I simply like internet as a medium.
I write journals, diaries and logbooks to keep an eye on what's happening inside me.
I like reading what I have written, I like the insights and ideas I get from what I was thinking several years ago... I am very self-centered person in that way... but I'm not arrogant ;-)
I am in the internet because of the information and beauty. I love libraries, museums and galleries, and internet to me is a combination of all of them... Sure, I prefer reading books in paper version, and I prefer having my library in books and not in files. I also prefer visiting museums and galleries in person, but internet is quite adequate replacement and surrogate for immediate need and when my social phobia stops me from leaving my safe haven.
I see the friends I have got through internet as a bonus. I don't find the possibilities of discussion through internet as valuable. 70-90% of social communication is mediated with something else than words, and I can't read people through internet. I don't hear the tone of their voice, I can't see their eyes, facial impressions, body language. I can't smell them and I can't receive the subconscious messages. (Now, one could discuss if there are any subconscious messages, ESP and like, but I want to believe they exist, and therefor use the hypothesis as base of this blog entry ;-)) Emoticons aren't sufficient to mediate the emotions that one isn't aware of or that one doesn't want to be seen. The thing is that our BODY doesn't CARE if we intellectually want to hide some hints and messages or not - it will "lure" our brains to believe the words we have chosen KNOWING that our unconscious mind is taking care of the major part of communication are sufficient, when our feelings and attitudes are ESSENTIAL for understanding of our words. No chat room can replace a face-to-face meeting in a nice, comfy tea room, and that's the CLOSEST we get to a conversation in the internet.
The thing is that friends I have got through internet HAVE TO move into category "real life friends" - friends I have contact through other mediums than internet, to be counted as real friends. If I have never met the person, if I have never received a letter from this person, if I haven't talked with this person in telephone, my conscious doesn't KNOW this is a REAL person. There's always the possibility that this "person" I'm talking to is just... AI or... my imagination... perhaps the screen name "Batsheba65" belongs to a 50-years-old man or 13-years-old girl - perhaps the middle-aged man and young girl are the same person... there might be an international conspiracy trying to take over the world, and the "person" I'm talking to is one of "them" trying to manipulate me into believing this and that... but if there is a real person that I have met outside the ether, all this doesn't matter.
I'm not into this for some popularity contest. I have never been popular, so it's one of the things I don't know anything about. I wouldn't even recognize if I WAS popular LOL The majority of "blogging awards" and what ever, is given to friends, and is not a measurements of how "good" my blog is. Besides - it doesn't matter if people think my blog is "good" or not. I'm not writing blogs because I'd want to PLEASE people; because I'm in some kind of contest; because I'm trying to prove how good, wise, intelligent, enlightening, entertaining, informative or what ever I am. I write blogs because I want to write blogs. If people want to give me some kind of award, if people find my words giving, if people like my blog, all that's just a bonus.
I find some of the reasons given by these Xian women very... they make me uncomfortable. I feel like saying "if THAT's the reason why you do this, get out of here. You're right, you HAVE made internet into something that isn't good for anyone." But I doubt any of these women have ever been bullied, ever been "different", "eccentric" or which ever word to use, I doubt any of these women have even the slightest tendency to social phobia... I have. To me social connections and popularity contests are source of suspicion, fear, paranoia, anxiety... I'd stop blogging in a week if I was doing this for friends, for popularity, for admiration, appreciation, praise and fame.
The question still remains, am I letting internet lead me away from Goddess.
My reason to be in the internet is information and beauty. I am obsessed by the quest of information. I collect information as if it was the Holy Grail. An astrologer-friend of mine told me that it is because of my Virgo "soul". I am collecting information to be able to answer correctly when The Questions are asked of me at the gate to Afterlife. I use collecting of information, organizing information, cataloguing information as a mean to relax and create a sense of having some control of life. I don't see the information as God, but I do get obsessed by it, and even though I see the Goddess in information - I hear Her voice and see Her message in it - I am not listening as often and well as I suppose I should...
On the other hand... She will take care of it anyway. Her will WILL happen, whether I am with it or not. She does control my life in all, whether I conscientiously allow it or not. "I should..." only creates fear and displeasure, and THAT will lead me from Goddess if nothing else...
So in all, I think this kind of thoughts are more sure to lead me away from Goddess than enjoying the pleasures and possibilities of internet. But - I'm a bit Epicurean, and the Xians are definitely not ;-)
"To be proud of virtue, is to poison yourself with the Antidote."
-- Benjamin Franklin