Thursday, February 17, 2011

What to do when faith and love doesn't matter...

I am being loved by my family, and even though I see this as the greatest blessing of them all... I always write my family as the first on the gratitude list :-) - there are days when this doesn't matter.
I am being loved by my God and love my God with all my being, but there are days when this doesn't matter either.
Today is one of those days.

If my family and God now really loves me, how could they allow me to get into this situation, being overweight and sick and too tired to do anything, really?
Frankly, who cares. I suppose there's the thing with "free will". Not God nor my family can stop me from doing what I choose to do, even when it means that I'm driving myself straight down the hill. I know my own responsibility and accept it fully.

It would be nice if my family would have intervened, come to my home, raided my fridge, freezer and cupboard and thrown away all sugar and carbs, sat me down and told me how they love me and are worried about me, and how I'm hurting them by killing myself with food...
No. It would not have been nice, not at all. I would feel extremely violated, hurt, offended, and the fact that they love me would be the only reason for me to forgive, but I would never forget, and what is the forgiveness worth without forgettal?
No, I wouldn't trust my loved ones again. I would take it as the ultimate vote of inconfidence, that they were telling me I cannot take care of myself, but need a ward, a legal guardian, to feed me.
Of course, I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be fat. But it's not a nice thing, anyway.

It would be nice if God incapacitated me somehow from eating me to death.
No, it would not. I don't want to be in coma for days, weeks, months, years, what ever it takes to lose half my weight. I don't want cancer or any other such disease. I don't want bulimia or anorexia, even though I look at the people suffering from these illnesses with a slight envy. I want to be thin, and sometimes I think I want it so bad I'm ready for anything... but I'm not. I can stop eating right now. I can decide not to put any food in my mouth again until I have reached BMI 19. (OK, 22. It's 37 right now.) If I have some of these diseases, I will not be able to choose. Also, the side effects are pretty bad.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. God loves me, my family loves me, good.
The thing is that sometimes it's not enough.
I have ambitions. I have dreams. I have hopes and ideas and wishes and desires, just like everyone else, and in the end the truth is the same. I am the only person alive, the only one, the only existing being that can give myself all that.
By choosing, by doing, by working, by planning, by committing and keeping the commitments - for myself.

The love I have in my life will make it easier. I know I have my family's full support for anything I choose to do, and that is already a huge help. Thinking about all the people who are NOT supported by their loved ones... makes me really appreciate the love and support I get.
Also, I know God wants what's best for me, and that God GAVE me my dreams, ambitions, hopes, ideas, wishes and desires, because I was made for those dreams... all my talents, interests and gifts are specially designed to make my dreams happen, by The One whose design is flawless...

But these days, like this one... it's all about me. How I don't love and respect myself enough to give me what I most want, to keep my own promises to myself. How I keep giving myself stones instead of bread, eating cakes and not carrots, putting on more weight instead of working the excess out, collecting more information and things instead of making something of it, procrastinating one more day away I was given as a marvelous gift, wasting one more chance to make it happen, being one step closer to The End, but none closer to The Goal...

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