Saturday, February 12, 2011

Don't be afraid...

I have been visiting all the almost 1000 OWOH blogs. In one blog someone was sharing a rather upsetting situation in her life right now. Her son, not even 40, has cancer, her daughter is suffering from an odd sickness that makes it impossible for her to eat (perhaps colon cancer of some sort?), her granddaughter is not feeling well and has run away a couple of times, and her school is not going well either... (Is she being bullied or molested? I don't know. Perhaps she is just feeling bad for some reason.) Very upsetting indeed... No wonder she is very afraid and worried, unable to focus on anything else.
But - she also believes in God, the Good God, who is with us all the time, watches and sees nothing bad happens...
Bad things ARE happening. There cannot behings much worse than watching your children die, being unable to help... How can Good God allow things this bad happen?

My own life isn't very easy.
My father is dying of bone cancer. It started as rather harmless prostate cancer. There has been more or less cancer in the family the last 10 years. My BIL has had it, my sister has had it, my grandmother and aunt died of it, as far as I know.
I don't have children, even though I have always wanted them, and planned on having at least 7. Being childless against my will makes any problems people are having with their children rather uninteresting to me, after all, they were blessed with these very same children.
I have lost all my grandparents, and I'm only 41. I think I wasn't even 30 when my father's father, the last of my grandparents, died. I never met my mother's father.
I have Asperger's, Sleep Apnea, Fibromyalgia and Panic Anxiety Disorder. The mere thought of leaving my home, or calling someone, even my sisters whom I adore, makes it difficult to breathe. I don't remember when I didn't have pain last time. My knuckles ache all the time, and some times it feels like someone was pushing needles or a very thin and sharp knife between the bones in my hands. I often have nightmares where I fight with a dog who bites my hands. I sometimes wake up whimpering of pain. Sometimes my own scream wakes me up.
I don't have a job, and therefore we live at the poverty threshold. I don't consider us poor though, as we have a home, clean water, food, working toilet/bathroom, internet access in our own home, we can afford keeping a dog and even give ourselves some pocket money so that we can buy unnecessary things like books. Nevertheless, we are considered "poor" by the national standard.

Actually, I don't consider myself poor or pitiful. One could think that I am using my disability as an excuse of not doing things, like for example OWOH - It took me almost a year to get my presents posted last year, and it was because of the pain and social phobia. But that is the situation I live in. I should understand to adjust my promises to my lacking abilities. I didn't, so I take full responsibility of my "miss", failing to keep the commitment, failing my promises. I don't have any excuses good enough.
And that's basically it... life happens. People get sick and die. Accidents happen. People do things they shouldn't and people get hurt, damaged... that's life. Unfortunately. Every adult should KNOW life isn't dancing on the roses - or it is, because roses do have thorns and if you stamp on plants, they get crushed and start to stink in time. Taking some 10 minutes of your time and write a nice blog entry shouldn't be hard enough for ANYONE, how ever "hard" your life is compared to your previous life, or someone else's life - or some ideal utopic fantasy.

I believe in God, and if God "allows" bad things to happen, they cannot be "bad". Of course I don't wish anyone I love to die, and even though I will be glad for that my father won't have pain after he's dead, I will miss him so that my heart breaks, even now when I think about the day that will come. Of course I wish I didn't have pain all the time, that I had more money so that I could go and buy all the things I want and need to do all the things I want to do, but I trust God has a good reason to put me through this. There must be something I need to learn, and this is the only way God has to teach me that, what ever it is. I also believe that it's no use trying to guess what the teaching is, because I probably guess wrong, and then I'll get bitter and angry, because "I have learned, but the school continues!"

So - when ever people ask prayers for their loved ones, I will pray. I will pray God's will be done, and strength and courage to the people so that they can accept God's will.

I'm having a little fever now, so I'll stop for now.
May your Higher Power bless you, comfort you and encourage you to survive life, because Life is amazing and wonderful, after all ;-)


Laume said...

Everyone's life has both shadow and joy within them. Life is duality. And just for the record, I've never considered books as in the "unnecessary things" category! Books are as necessary as air and food and sleep. Well, maybe sleep is slightly less necessary.

Ketutar said...

lol actually that's what I was THINKING when I wrote it... but UNs poverty count list doesn't include books... only education :-D
Most books one can get free from the library, but... Being unable to sleep well I think sleep is a bit more necessary, but a good book (a good library) at least makes the sleepless nights less intolerable :-)